Dear Mr Gatland
I am aware that the preparation for the Rugby World Cup hasn’t been going as planned. The Welsh squad has been plagued by injuries to quite a few key players and it would seem that on a daily basis the numbers are dwindling. At breakfast my mummy sighs as she reads the back pages, and I overhear her saying things such as “who today”, and “soon there will be no-one left”. She isn’t smiling as much as she used to. And so with the clock ticking down to our next match, I thought it was time for me to stake my claim to a place in your starting line-up, and put a smile back on my mummy’s face. So Mr Gatland, this is what I can bring to the party:
- Tough – Only last week I accidentally brought my head up and smashed a bone in my mum’s nose. She was sitting down for quite a while with her head in her hands whereas I was able to immediately carry on playing hide and seek without a care in the world.
- Physique – I am built for rugby. My legs are short and stocky and my bum is close to the floor. I have a very low centre of gravity which we both know is a great advantage in this game as it makes me dfficult to knock over.
- Speed – I am always running away from mummy in shops, on beaches and in play barns. She shouts at me to stop and struggles to keep up because I am so fast and agile, not to mention wriggly.
- Fierce – Forget the Haka, that is soooooo last year. I may be small but when I roar there is no greater terrifying sound. Ask my friends Steggy, Ceratops, T-Wex, and Diclodocuth. They have talked me all they know.
- Natural Ability – I have a sweet left-foot. Now I don’t know enough about rugby to know whether that is an advantage or not, all I can tell you is that I am surprisingly quite accurate with it no matter what I am kicking….a ball, a toy, the cat….
- No-nonsense – I am a no-frills kind of kid. Look at the money you will save on kit and catering. My kit will be 1/10th of the size of everyone elses, and I will play my heart out for just the cost of an ice-lolly. (By the way, Mr Men are my favourite).
- Energy – Boundless. They call me “The Whirlwind”.
- The X-factor – I can distract the opposition with my cuteness.
- Pampered – I like bathing alone and I especially need lots of bubbles and toys to play with when I am in there. My dinosaurs come everywhere with me and have to be carried in my green rucksack – nothing else is good enough. I must have my own special seat at meal times and when travelling. Sometimes I demand to be picked up and carried. I need help going to the toilet.
- Tantrums – I am getting really good at these. But let’s face it, I am only 2.
- Flirting – I do like the ladies, and it would seem they like me. What can I say – I am a babe magnet. However I promise you Mr Gatland I won’t let it affect my game. I take my obligations seriously.
Now I know you are a busy man applying ice packs and drawing on flip charts so I won’t take up any more of your time. I just want you to consider all of the points I have made above, and for you to know that I am ready for your call.
Harry (aged 2) x