The Unspoken List

The Unspoken List

Like most expectant parents I had read a lot of books before giving birth to my little cheeky monkey.  There was sound advice on the day to day essentials of feeding, sleeping, clothing etc that I followed – in hindsight a little too religiously – but there was nothing on how to prepare for the unexpected.  I am referring of course to the unpleasant “unspoken” things that become part and parcel of parenting.  The things we are all forced in to doing and rarely talk about.  So to throw caution to the wind – and because I feel like I know you –  I will reveal the unpleasant things I have had to do as a mummy.  Here is my Unspoken List:

1.  Wipe poo off the floor

Who hasn’t let their child run around without a nappy on for a few minutes?  Based on the fact that he had just had his 6 o’clock clear out I thought I would be OK to let him have a little airing to that region.  Wrong!  Every time I walk past that particular point on the dry clean only rug I swear I still see the marks!

2.  Put my finger in the plughole to wash away sick

Having thrown up all over himself in the middle of the night I thought it was a great idea to wash the sick off his bedding using the shower head.  Genius I thought as using the washing machine would have just baked it in.  In my sleep stupor I hadn’t quite thought this course of action through.  Some bits were just a little too big to make their way down the plughole unaided.  Hence the “finger”.

3.  Do anything to save my child from harm

Whilst on holiday my cheeky little monkey wandered off to retrieve a ball he had kicked in to the garden.  Within seconds of his crying I had picked him up, stripped him down and was using his clothing to brush a swarm of nipping ants off his poor little chubby body.  Repeating the process a few minutes later on myself.  (The relatives were pretty relieved that I waited to go indoors to do my stripping).

4.  Eat half chewed food

He likes to share, what can I say?

5.  Eat food that has been spat out

…..because there is nowhere else to put it.  I blame it on a lifetime of being brought up on the principle of waste not want not.

6.  Lick food off my child

Beginners error.  One of the main rules of parenting – always have a tissue or a wet wipe handy.

7.  Wipe snot off with your own clothing

You’d think I would learn from the previous incident wouldn’t you?!?!

8.  Scoop poo out of the bath

It’s bound to happen once….twice….OK three times so far.

9.  Swirl diarrhoea down the plug hole of the bath with my finger

There is a theme running through this post…..all I can say is that we are due a new bathroom suite.

10.    ????

Despite digging deep in to the memory bank (which doesn’t take long)  I can’t think of a number 10.  Perhaps it just hasn’t happened yet?  What delights are waiting for me around the corner?  Perhaps there is nothing left and I have passed all the tests of motherhood?  Answers on a post card please.


Harry’s Honest Mummy x



  1. May 8, 2015 / 9:45 am

    Oh I’ve really laughed at this! And now I count myself lucky that I’ve never (so far!) had to swirl anything down the plughole with my finger – I know I’ve cursed myself now, will be back to comment again tomorrow to say that fact has changed I bet! x

    • May 8, 2015 / 11:39 am

      Haha I hope you haven’t. Top tip…use a coat hanger instead!! Thanks for taking the time to read it x

  2. erinalice
    May 8, 2015 / 12:43 pm

    haha.. yep. To all of the above. Number 10 may be ‘have clothing covered in wee.’ Great post!

    • May 8, 2015 / 1:19 pm

      Oh yes I forgot about that one! When I change his nappy I constantly look at it to try and work out how fast I have to get a move on. Thanks for the reminder and thanks for posting. X

  3. May 8, 2015 / 6:22 pm

    LOL to many of these. I can’t relate as I don’t have kids. I do understand you’d rather know in advance that these things are going to happen – or maybe not, because it will take away your pregnancy delight. #thelist

    • May 8, 2015 / 10:56 pm

      True, but the good outweighs the bad…..I believe. Thanks for reading and commenting x

  4. May 10, 2015 / 8:34 pm

    No 10 is definitely having that warm sensation on your hip as they wee on you.

    • May 10, 2015 / 8:37 pm

      You are totally right. I can’t believe I didn’t add a wee story when I have fallen foul of it so many times. His very first nappy change he weed on me. It was a sign of things to come! 🙂

  5. May 11, 2015 / 5:18 pm

    Haha the untold glamour of being a mummy I see!

    • May 11, 2015 / 5:32 pm

      And yet despite all this I want to do it again???? Madness 🙂

  6. May 12, 2015 / 8:03 pm

    Ah yes, so very true – can identify with a lot of these. I have been known to wipe noses with my sleeve when I don’t have a wet wipe handy (delightful!) and have had to poke sick with my finger once or twice to make it go down the plughole (equally delightful and topped only by attempting to catch vomit with my bare hands when it happened rather unexpectedly!)

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:54 am

      Oh no, I haven’t had the catching sick one yet! Sounds like a very strong candidate to add to the list. Although fingers crossed I never have to experience the pleasure!

  7. May 13, 2015 / 8:49 pm

    Recently had the very close call of lifting baby up to make him giggle and almost, almost – getting puke straight into my open mouth. ::shudders:: It was bad enough getting it on the face! #thelist

  8. May 14, 2015 / 8:09 am

    I’ve done most of these things! And yes, we all have an Unspoken List 🙂

  9. June 16, 2015 / 11:50 am

    Done all those things. Really laughed at your post!

    I pray this one never happens to you: Gone out wearing clothes child has pooed on.

    When the Tubblet was still in nappies, we had an appointment. She did an epic poo just before we were due to leave and it went everywhere. By the time I’d hosed her down and changed her, it was too late to do anything about me. I wiped everything off with a wet wipe and sprayed myself liberally with Fabreeze. Classy! Had the world’s biggest bath when we got back and washed item twice!


    • June 16, 2015 / 2:28 pm

      Hahaha I love that one. Never thought to get some Fabreeze in. Genius. Thanks for commenting.

  10. June 16, 2015 / 12:56 pm

    Haha so funny! It’s true – there is an unspoken list! #TwinklyTuesday

  11. June 16, 2015 / 9:01 pm

    Ugh – the poo in the bath thing. Too many times! Also had to wipe it off the bathroom walls and floor. Don’t ask. It’s a glamorous job, isn’t it!? Good jobs it’s so rewarding in other ways xx #TwinklyTuesday

  12. June 21, 2015 / 4:36 am

    Despite having a sister 11 years my junior, I was completely unprepared for the way that bodily fluids (and solids) would take over my life with my twins. Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.

  13. ecbettis
    August 26, 2015 / 8:34 pm

    hahahahah these are good! 🙂

  14. August 26, 2015 / 8:57 pm

    Both of mine have made a bit of a habit of pooing in the bath… Last night Stella poo’ed, picked it up and threw it on the floor. Well, I wouldn’t want to sit in the bath with a poo floating in it either, I suppose!
    x Alice

    • August 26, 2015 / 9:04 pm

      Haha. When you put it that way…!!! Thanks for coming over x

  15. August 28, 2015 / 8:39 pm

    I love this post as I or my hubby have probably done them all. I think my worst habit is wiping snot of my daughter and wiping it on my clothes!! haha I hope there is another good one for number 10 soon lovely. Thanks for linking up to #bestandworst and see you soon.

  16. min1980
    August 28, 2015 / 8:57 pm

    Definitely number 7-all the time! I always think it looks slightly less bad on my top than on his face. Yet to face a poo in the bath. One to look forward to.

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